|
|
Wednesday, September 25th, 2002
|
|
|
Now that I've had my chance to clarify myself (because that was really all I needed to say), I'm going to stop writing here, at least for the time being.
I dunno. I might be back. I've still got this space in my little corner of the web. Just not right away.
Yeah, I was upset when Elaine quit writing in her journal; 'cuz I'd felt I'd grown closer to her over that time, got to know her better, that kinda thing. I didn't want to do the same thing she did. I dunno. It's time. So I'm sorry to anyone that's been amused by my journal, for good or ill - glad you got your kicks, or enjoyed what I had to say, or whatever. But it's over now. It's gotta be. I can't hang onto this anymore.
I like being emotional, and I like being passionate, but I really *don't* like being angry, and these past few days I've actually felt *ill*, I've been so angry.
Is stopping my writing the same as letting them win? I don't know. Maybe. So be it. *shrug* I just don't want to deal with this anymore. 'Cuz maybe it's true there are some things better left private. So they're gonna *be* private.
I'm gonna be okay. Like I said, it's my life. I don't want anyone's pity, thanks for the support, but I won't be back for a long while if I can help it.
Luck, love, and light to you all -
Jen
|
|
Comments: Read 5 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Tuesday, September 24th, 2002
|
|
|
|
As far as the lack of a lovelife is concerned, don't even tell me I have no right to complain, just because Dave (I'm assuming that's who Tasch is referring to) wanted to hook up, doesn't meant that *I* wanted to hook up. Go ahead and read the journal from that week if you're confused.
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
|
You know what?
Fuck every single last one of you fuckers that think they can tell me what to do or how to behave. I'm pissed. I've BEEN pissed. I'm so fucking pissed I'm using the F-word liberally. I'm SHAKING, I'm so livid.
Because I don't fucking care. I don't!
If any of my other friends want to drop me so unceremoniously, they can go right on ahead. But I shed no tears for Yisel and her holier-than-thou attitude. Six people, she says, are apparently pissed at me. Well, I know of two. Let the others come forward and declare their hatred so openly as you have. Let them! Until that point comes I have no reason to believe you! I doubt there's much love lost there, either! I don't understand why you're so hateful. I don't understand why you feel like you have to attack me. I really don't! I wish I did! And I invite you to name ONE way you think I can "heal" myself!
You know, I go through shit too! I'm brave enough to admit it! I'm brave enough to put it on the fucking internet! I don't see you putting up a livejournal.
Yeah, I'm an attention whore. So sue me. You know why? Because I love people, and I don't love myself enough, and I need other people to tell me that. If that makes me a mental case then that makes me a mental case.
You know why I quit the Zoloft? Because those damn blue pills made me fucking NUMB. Sure, I wasn't sad anymore, but I wasn't ANYTHING, and for the first time in MONTHS I've finally - FINALLY - been able to FEEL again. And when these emotions come back they come back STRONG, and the bloody fucking empathy comes right back with it, and I loop on myself in this disgusting infinite feedback that I don't know what the hell to do with. I invite you to come live in my head and see what it's like. Except nooo, you're all perfect and righteous and you've never sinned in your entire life. Or you have and you're over it now. Well la di da. I'm not fucking perfect, and I don't expect to be, and perfect is FUCKING BORING!!!
You wanna leave comments? Leave comments. I don't care. I am sick and tired of trying to please people. And you can go ahead and say I'm some kind of sociopath who's going to go tear the ears off kittens (thanks Chloe! ^^) or what have you. I'm going to live my life the way I damn well please. You can go ahead and say I'm continuing because of what Jae and Lynn wrote to me in my "last" entry. Fine.
You want to read my journal? Great. That's what it's there for. For everybody's fucking amusement. You want to comment on it? Great! You want to call me an emotional vampire or a vacuous whore -- the latter which I find completely amusing in its absolute falseness.
You want to bring anybody else into this? You want to bring Alex into this? Or Dave? Any of the genkis? Anyone here at Ringling? Any of my online friends?
You know, the great part about being human is being imperfect. I don't strive for perfection. I don't know what the hell I strive for some days. You want to fuck me up? Well, you did a fucking excellent job of it for the past few days. I wasn't even sure if I could even *go* to my friends because I was worried I would, as you so put it, be a drain on them. And hurting anybody is the last thing I want to do. There, I've said it again -- hopefully this time it'll get into your fucking thick skull.
I've made attempts to heal myself, so don't even claim that I haven't, when you have NO FUCKING IDEA what goes on in my head. NONE of you do, even the people that support me so readily. Even if you've been reading my journal since day one. Because I don't write down EVERYTHING that comes into my head. I can't. So unless you've got some kind of magical mind-link with me, YOU DON'T KNOW ME. I find it incredible that anyone thinks they could know me when it's obvious that *I* don't even know me.
I've talked to counselors. I've talked to friends. I've gone to the doctor's. I've taken antidepressants to try and get myself back in order. That didn't work. I've tried crystal therapy. I've tried meditation. I've tried tarot. I've tried prayer. I've tried anime. I've tried escapism, tried writing, tried art, tried losing myself in this wonderful dreamworld, tried everything short of illegal substances to try and make myself feel better about myself.
And when it comes down to it, I still hated myself. I don't know why. Maybe it's a chemical imbalance. I just couldn't possibly see how anyone could ever love me. I didn't know why anyone would ever stick by me. And all you've done with your hateful words is fuel that. You want me to die? Well you almost got your wish last night. I've had this pain in my chest, this pain in my whole body since last Saturday. I've had the most hellish weekend ever, all because of this fucking livejournal and the fucking STUPID comments that people make. I'm afraid - I'm fucking scared because I don't know what to do. Is this a call for attention? Hell. Make of it what you will. All I know is that last night I wanted to DIE, because then I wouldn't have to hurt anybody anymore. I felt like I couldn't even PRAY anymore because I was asking for too much from God. Like this tiny spark of faith that's only recently been ignited was ready to be snuffed out.
Is this melodrama? I don't know. I don't care.
No, I don't really write about the good things. I write to vent. So I write about all the SHIT that happens.
I didn't want to censor my journal before, back when everyone got all up in arms about the "things I'm not sorry for" entry. And I'm sure as hell not about to do it now. If this is still about that entry then it's one hell of a grudge.
And I'm not saying you have to agree with me or even fucking LIKE me. You know why? Do you?
Because in all of this fucking mess I'm starting to get a clearer picture of myself. And I'm going to stand by myself, and I'm not going to let you bring me down. I'm not going to let you tear me down. I'm not going to let you slowly kill me.
Because for the first time in what could possibly be years, I actually like myself. I like me. I like BEING me. I like being this emotional, irrational human being. I like my emotions flying freely. I like being expressive. I rather like not being a cold, heartless automaton without the capacity to think for herself. Being human means being depressed sometimes. Being human means FEELING.
If you have a problem with me, fine. I can't change that. But I can't change who *I* am, either, and you're gonna have to either accept that or leave me the fuck alone.
|
|
Comments: Read 10 or Add Your Own.
|
|
|
Think what you will of me, for ill or good. Say what you will.
This is my journal. This is where I have written my thoughts and feelings, fairly regularly, since last February. This is where I write down the things that are going on in my life. This is a record of my emotional experiences. I'm not perfect. I know this. I don't claim to be perfect. I know that I'm vastly flawed.
Each human experience is highly subjective, and none more subjective than the journal. For those of you that only know me through what I write in here - yes, it's skewed. It's heavily biased. It's at once a record of my emotional experience, as well as a collective call for attention. I admit I have written some entries for the sole purpose of garnering comments. The format of the *live* journal is just that. So yes - if you've been keeping up with me through only this format, you've only seen "what I want you to see".
When I write in here, I don't plan out what I'm going to say. I just type. It's freeform. Words just come out, and I hit "Post". I haven't changed what I write or the way I write it very much from when I kept a paper journal. And yeah - it's my own damn fault for not changing the way I write, because in a paper journal, nobody sees what I write, and I probably should have taken into account that anybody could be reading this here, and a couple of those anybodys would probably be really offended by the shit I'm writing. A lot of times I write when I'm pissed off. I write, I get it out of my system, and it's forgotten by the next day. And I guess I just assumed that people would realize that I'm writing just to vent. And I guess I just assumed that people would have less of a problem with honesty than with lies.
Every single fucking word I write in here is truth. Even the Holy Bible contradicts itself, and that's the Word of God. You wouldn't expect a human being to be one hundred percent certain of something all the time, especially when that something is as elusive to her as her own damn self.
Sniper, your words hurt. They cut deeply, and to the core. I'm sorry that you're filled with such hatred. But if you would have me heal myself, then at least give me some suggestions. Angry words cannot heal; they only make matters worse. It should be obvious to you, if you have been reading this journal, that I don't know how to help myself, otherwise I would have done it long ago.
Arc and Chloe, thank you for defending me, but to do so was brash. I would rather have you say nothing in my defense; as Yisel later mentions, you haven't spent as much time with me as she has. There is more to me than the Jen you know... there is more to me than the Jen she knows. Hell, I'm sure there's more to me than the Jen *I* know, because I hardly know myself.
Googleperson, get a life. Get an absolute fucking life. I'm surprised that you've got nothing better to do than to browse the internet for people's journals and attack their psychological state. You want to write a paper on me? Great. I'd love to see it when you're done. You want to think that I'm a psychopath? I laugh. I may be many things. I may even have some kind of "social disorder", as you suggest, but I'm hardly a psychopath. And, by the way, I, too, tried to find my journal the way you claim you did. It. doesn't. fucking. show. up. The only way it does, is if you type in "Prophesygirl" just like that, no search for "prophecy" and/or "prophecies" turned up anything in relevance to me.
And then there's a whole slew of other people that basically said the same things as either the original Sniper or Arc and Chloe.
You know what?
It's my life. I'm allowed to write what I want and be how I want. Let my friends decide if I'm an "emotional vampire" or not. If it happens that I lose them for that or whatever reason, so fucking be it. It's not my intention to lose *anybody*, and I'm sorry that people are so mean-spirited and hate-filled.
Yisel ... *sigh* ... I honestly don't understand where you're coming from. I'm a totally different person in Chicago? You've never been to Chicago with me. I'm sorry you hate me so much, and I'm sorry you feel the need to personally attack me. I truly hope it makes you feel better, and I wish you happiness in your life. "Warn" people if you will, but I should think that my friends are intelligent enough to reach their own conclusions. If they reach the same ones as you have, then so be it.
I am officially discontinuing this journal. I see no need to keep writing.
You may take that how you will.
|
|
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Saturday, September 21st, 2002
|
|
|
Be happy, right? Keep laughing, right? Even when it seems like you want to cry, just keep laughing. Even if that laugh sounds a little bit psychotic and scares the people around you, at least it's better than crying, right? Stay strong. Be happy. Force yourself to be happy even if you're crying on the inside. You do what you have to.
I'm trying. There's so much I want to say that I'm holding inside, because I don't want to make them upset. Instead my (apparently psychotic) laughter just makes them wonder, and it makes her worry. I don't want to cry around other people. I don't want to bring them down. I don't want to be a drain on other people. I'm going to just live my own life, the way I have to. The way I need to. Draw my strength and support from God.
That sounds strange, doesn't it? This girl who says she doesn't know, she doesn't know, she doesn't know; this girl who keeps on saying that prayer's never worked for her. These past few days have felt different. I know He's there; I know He's beside me even when others have left me. Shows me how to place my feet so I can keep on walking.
But smiling, and saying that I'm okay feels so false. I have to, though, otherwise I'm just going to bring them down. They should be happy. They have every *right* to be. And it's not his fault, it's not; it's my own damn fault, you see? Because I'm not patient enough. Because I'm the one who wants the relationship *now*, and I'm the one who's easily jealous. She was never the one who wanted anything. It's not fair that she turns up with this now. I would have been okay if he hadn't said ... if he hadn't said that. "We're not so close a couple yet --" whatever follows didn't matter. Couple. Yet. In other words, they *are* a couple, and they *will* get closer. It shouldn't bother me so much. I should be happy for her. I should be jumping up and down and doing cartwheels for her. She's happy. That should be what matters.
Instead, I'm being selfish, and I want that opportunity for myself. I feel like Yui.
I feel a hell of a lot like Yuna.
I'm not Yuna.
Strength. I need strength. I need to be strong. I need to stand up. I need to not cry. It's embarrassing to cry in front of other people. In front of guests. Strangers. Certain people that I know who are nearly strangers. I don't know. Strength. I need strength. I can't just break down, because if I break down, then either or both of them is going to decide not to make this happen, just on my account. *Fcuk* me and my account. It doesn't matter. She needs this. She needs this so, so badly.
I keep telling myself that - that she needs this. Like it's some kind of mantra that'll shield me from the pain of ... of whatever happened tonight. I don't think I even know what happened tonight.
I was okay -- maybe silly, maybe even flirty, who the hell knows -- until he put his arm around her. I don't understand. I do understand. I don't know. Whatever. I wish I could just be happy for her like I am for Amanda and Chris. Even that came bittersweetly. It wasn't Chris himself I envied, not *hardly*. I honestly don't know what exactly she sees in him. But she's happy. They're happy. And so I'm happy for them. I think it's wonderful they're together. But initially it was the situation that I envied.
I think he just *left*. What the hell? Don't leave. You're supposed to stay with her and make her happy. Be the person she's always dreamed of. Give her what she deserves. She's such a beautiful person.
I really fucked this one up. I shouldn't have even gone with them tonight.
|
|
Comments: Read 29 or Add Your Own.
|
| Time: | 10:25 am. |
| Mood: |  stressed. |
|
So, here's Lynn saying she needs to draw more. More! Five hours a day, she says, at least! I'm lucky if I draw an hour a week, as far as "personal drawing" is concerned. I don't draw much, and I freely admit it. But I want to quit B/N why? Does drawing have anything to do with it? No. I want to quit so I can (so selfishly) spend more time with friends.
As though I don't spend enough time with the people around me. As though two of these said people didn't just come down to my apartment and essentially tell me they wanted nothing more to do with me.
Oh sure, having more time for homework is definitely a part of it. This'll free up 12 extra hours every week that I can work on stuff. But even that day that I decided to skip so I could work on my illo hwk, I didn't start til 2am, and I gave up somewhere around 4. That's two hours. Two hours! I didn't spend nearly enough time on that project.
So I'm stuck in this catch-22 ... Spend more time at work so I can get the money to do the things I want/need to do, but sacrifice time that I would be spending doing said things so that I can get the money. *sigh* I have the rest of my life to work. I *should* get out there and enjoy being 20.
Unfortunately, most of "enjoying being 20" means engaging in activities that I do not condone.... *sigh* At least that's what it's *supposed* to mean.
Yeah, I really hate this.
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
|
I have to go to sleep.
I don't want to go to sleep. I'm only a little bit tired. Going to sleep means I have to wake up in the morning (okay, well, 9:30) so I can go to work tomorrow. I have absolutely no desire to go to work tomorrow. I'd rather do the cosplay help day with RJACS, at least I think I would, but it's hard to tell because I don't know if Yisel's going to be along with them, and I think I'd rather go to work that deal with her right now.
Going to work means my back hurts and my feet hurt and I get crabby, and Sarah's friend is coming over tomorrow, and I don't know if that's just going to make me crabbier. I hope it won't, because he seems like a nice enough guy; I just have this thing, I guess. *sigh*
"This thing," as though I could be any more vague. Like I know how to describe it. Sarah assures me I have no reason to be jealous, but I can't really help it sometimes. Oh well.
I guess I just have to stick it out.
I don't think I'll be going to Necro. I kind of want to go, but it's only a halfway kind of thing, because I had an okay time last year - not great, but okay. *shrug* It's just that it's the weekend immediately following AWA, and I can't just *not* work that week. Theoretically I could put in for Thursday that week, but if they already have the schedule made, there's no point in it. They never told me how far in advance they made the schedule, and I never bothered to find out; just assumed it was a week, a week and a half in advance. So I called them last Weds, hoping to get the 27 - 28 off, but that schedule was already up, and apparently had been for a whole week. Plus I've just randomly skipped out the past two days I was supposed to work.
I hate this.
In other news, the RP with Carly is going really well, fueled by a rootbeer-induced inspiration fit last night, and continued today by a couple afterthoughts floating around from that. I really can't wait to see what she comes up with, though. I've just stuck myself in a really horrible situation and let me assure you, I want *out*. *shudder*
And Ali's story has been inspired lately also, but it's getting confusing. *shrug* I guess I need to see more X.
Cosplay update. I painted the beads for Hokuto; now I just need to find like a drill or something so I can make them beads. *sigh* I also made some ofuda for Tsuzuki - one I copied off the back of my Yami character book, the other I copied from the 'net, and is apparently Sailor Mars'. Eh, it fits. Started pinning the zippers to Rinoa's shorts, and decided it'd be best to just hand-stitch the blasted things. I think I'll be done in time for AWA. I *hope* I will. I've been putting a lot of that off enough. I don't know if I'll have Chloe's bday pressie done, though, and that's really bothering me. I haven't even *started* on it. But I'll get it done ... sooner or later. I promise.
Well, I'm starting to get a little bit tired now, so I think I'm going to go to sleep. Night.
|
|
Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Friday, September 20th, 2002
|
|
|
It's eight hours from Sarasota to Atlanta. Plus I have to stop in Tallahassee.
Yep, I think I'd rather leave Thursday night.
|
|
Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Thursday, September 19th, 2002
|
|
|
|
ne, posse-gumi, would anyone have any problems if i claimed squaguna?
|
|
Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.
|
|
|
1) tori amos is going to be in tampa at the tampa bay performing arts center on november 7. that's a thursday. (the cd, scarlet's walk, comes out october 29.) i will be driving. still nothing on ticketmaster, but the one date that *is* up there (for rhode island, of all places) is showing as going on sale 9/28. that's next saturday. i'll also be in georgia. whee. (fortunately i can call in my ticket order. yay for ticketmaster.) so far i have two tickets: me and lindsey. if anyone else wants to go, let me know by thursday, 9/26 at the very latest. tickets are $30 - 40.
2) i went to the thrift shop today and i found, oh my gosh, tsuzuki's jacket. i love it. i'm wearing it now. it's a really nice coat. it was only $15. it's so pretty. oh sure, the buttons may say something like 'property of oklahoma state police' but there's stars on them, and it's tsuzuki's jacket, and it's a little too big on me, but that's quite alright. i zipped the lining out because it'd be way too hot otherwise. but with the lining in i could even wear it as a regular jacket up north. so this means i'll be joining the yami group! wai! i think awa doesn't have regular skits, though (at least that's what hannah said on the rjacs ml) so i will probably just enter hokuto in the regular costume contest. i can get it done. really.
3) zel brought over kingdom hearts this morning, and played through the first section of it (up until the hercules world) ... wow, it's pretty. and it's ... it's squaguna, and yuffie, and aeris, and they're *there*, and cloudcentroth is so creepy looking, and squaguna is *angel* and that's so, so weird. but squaguna has little wings on the back of his jacket! like me!! wai! i want to play that game now. i really really do. it's so weird of me. but i do. i just have to finish ff7 first, and i said i'd play xenogears next, especially if i'm going to wind up cosplaying elly ... aaahhh ... too many games. and this is just limiting myself to square! ha!
4) i really, really want to quit working at b/n. i'm scheduled for awa weekend, apparently, because they make the schedule so far in advance that i don't get a chance to get to the board where i'm supposed to write my days off in time. plus i'm only working two days a week, and when i take off weekends for conventions and rjacs activities, that doesn't do them *or* me much good. i mean if i could keep the job there over the summer, you know, and just come back there next summer, that would work out better, and hopefully i could find some kind of on-campus job, and get any extra cash making costumes. after all, i'm still working on rikku for lindsey, and chloe's friend wants a yohji costume, and chipper wants jesus robes by xmas, which i'd be more than willing to make for him. plus i still have to make dave's nephew's cloak for his jedi costume. but after i make chloe's bday pressie. because that's first.
i am trying not to stress out.
i think i need to buy ice cream. yeah. that'd help.
wait, no it wouldn't. aaahhh....
but that's okay!
i love you!
|
|
Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Wednesday, September 18th, 2002
|
|
|
sarah and i were gonna go to sonic, but they were closed. confusing, but taco bell next door was open, so i sit hear nursing a mostly-eaten chicken bowl as i type.
and i got to thinking.
no, i said. no, i don't need them right now. i don't *need* them. but ... i'm not going to stop hoping. like i said, i can't just stop hoping. i still hope that one day tasch, at least, and maybe yisel, would be willing to compromise. no, it's *not* the same as it was freshman year. but i'm willing to compromise if the other party is. i just - i just can't sit back and give up hope.
i'll honor their requests. i'll leave them alone.
we still have so much of our lives ahead of us. should the day ever come that our paths cross in the future, i don't want to be the one turning away. i don't want to be the bitter, selfish one. and if the day should come even sooner, then ... then maybe i can give them a chance.
alex kept saying that tasch was willing to give me a chance. i don't know what happened to that chance, if what she said tonight held any truth to it. but i have to believe that she's still in there somewhere. people change, but people are always changing. i have to believe that she'll change again. i have to believe that she'll inform herself before jumping to any more conclusions. i have to believe in this.
well. i guess i don't *have* to. it's not a necessity. i could close myself off from the situation; i could just say "fine", say "i dont' want this either". and for the moment, that's what i need to do ... to protect myself if nothing else. a constant barrage is not going to be good for my own self-esteem - already low enough.
instead, i move on with my life, and just keep hoping for them ... and wish them luck in their own lives.
that's all i can do.
|
|
Comments: Read 1 or Add Your Own.
|
| Time: | 12:34 am. |
| Mood: | there aren't words for this. |
|
i honestly feel like i've been trying to be ... better. not necessarily optimistic. but better.
i don't know what ... exactly to do.
as far as ... as far as tasch and yisel are concerned, if they want to sever all ties with me, then that will make it easier for me because then i don't have to try as hard. i don't want to go into any more detail about it.
i want to keep my lj. and i don't want it to become a simple record of "here is what i did today". i would change it to friends-only, but there are people - like amy and ali - who i know read my lj and who don't have ljs themselves.
i have to stand on my own. it's ... it's hard. it's hard, and i admit that i am not entirely sure how to do it. and it's harder when i come to the realization that my illusions - these fictional characters - are just that, and i can't go running to them for comfort anymore. illusions fade.
i don't need tasch and yisel, either. i don't need them if all any interaction with them is going to give me is more pain and grief, if they're just going to believe that any words i have with them are accusations. friends aren't meant to be like that.
i don't know. maybe we weren't meant to be great friends to begin with. i can only go on believing that there are other people out there who will continue to believe in me. i have to believe that. i have to, because standing alone is so ... so *fucking* hard.
|
|
Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
|
|
Tuesday, September 17th, 2002
|
|
|
some random fanart for ali's story 'twin star'. the first one's kamui and her original character, nibai. the second one's nibai and hokuto.
wheee.
( pics are here )
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
|
|
how come nobody answers my questions
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
| Time: | 1:12 am. |
| Mood: | unrequited. |
|
death -
but the living live on -
somehow -
and i can't grasp this -
how -
how do i keep living?
so much changing - falling -
burning, i think.
burning out
soul burning - flames rising ever higher
- as i take to the sky -
still burning
passion fires running out -
turning points. revelations.
influx of mystical feminine energy.
(i looked into your eyes and saw. you do not exist.)
and i can't go there anymore.
(these precious illusions in my head -)
i can't love you anymore.
i want to cling to you. i want to cherish you.
i want to belong to you. i want to be with you.
i want to feel you.
i can't love you anymore.
let me let go of these unlikely expectations.
let me cling to my fantasy worlds.
turning twenty-one and still never growing up
never sure if i'll ever find what i'm looking for
drowning in the precision of my desires
certain i don't ask for much.
(i looked into your eyes and saw. you do not exist.)
dead -
love is dying -
love is death -
love me -
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Monday, September 16th, 2002
|
| Time: | 3:04 pm. |
| Mood: |  blah. |
|
i still don't really want to go to class. i stayed up til 4 last night finishing my illo hwk, and i could have stayed up longer, because i'm not entirely happy with it. but i guess i'll go, and just sit there and everything for the critiques.
i should be hungry. i'm not sure if i am or not.
i had a dream this afternoon that i was making out with kamui. i don't know - he's a good enough kid and everything, but he's kind of pissy, and he's ali's. *sigh* it was ... frighteningly realistic. i could feel everything.
maybe i am that needy. ... but he's *ali's*. that's awful. ... *sigh*
class soon. i guess i'll get something to eat and then go. oh well.
and i like this song, weirdly enough. it ... reminds me of either the kenshin ova, or x ...
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
Sunday, September 15th, 2002
|
|
|
BY THE WAY.
anyone who's in the FL-friends category and interested in seeing tori amos in concert, please let me know. she'll be on tour in october/november and i need to know who would be interested in going before i get tickets. i would like really good seats, so i would like to get the tickets fairly soon after they go on sale. i don't know yet where she'll be, or how much tickets are, i'll let interested parties know. she'll probably be in tampa or orlando, maybe both depending on how long the tour is.
the tour dates should be released soon. please let me know either in person, by IM, email, or comment here. ^_^v thanks!
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
|
Spell your first name backwards. nej. or refinnej. either way it has not summoned anything unholy ^^
The story behind your LJ username. 'prophesy' was the name of my 'band' - just me and amanda from back home. 'prophecy girl' was the name of the first season finale of buffy. i was in a buffy mode when i got aim originally, so it was this kind of way of getting a buffy-related sn without it being too obvious, and still relating back to the 'band'. and it still manages to sound cool and all psychic and stuff ^^;
Are you a lesbian? no. according to thespark.com i'm 30% gay. i doubt it's anything i would ever act on, though.
How old are you? twenty. i'll be 21 in november. i'll be celebrating by going to see hp2. *not* by getting plastered in some bar.
Where do you live? sarasota, florida
Four words that sum you up. emotional compassionate selfish artist
++ DESCRIBE YOUR:
Wallet. it's an id case - (that's ID case, not id, carly-chan ^_~) - silver with a slightly fuzzyish grey and black snakeskin print on its cover.
Hairbrush. black-and-purple, oval-top
Toothbrush. white sonicare electric, running low on batteries ...
Jewelry worn daily. well, glasses. and usually my rings - rinoa's ring from ff8 (well, squall's, really...) that i got on ebay, and a silver band with a round faceted amethyst that's really from my grandma, but reminds me of tsuzuki. a couple days ago i lost the rings and didn't have a necklace, but then when carly was here she gave me an oval-shaped polished amethyst on a thin silver chain, which i'm wearing again today. i like it very much.
Pillow cover. um. it's got clouds on it, like my sheets. i like my flannel cloudy sheets.
Blanket. hm. my purple comforter which has been almost everywhere with me - very comfy.
Coffee cup. not a big coffee fan. probably the hogwart's mug from ali. if i could find it.
Sunglasses. i wear glasses, so my sunglasses have to clip on. i do have some neat purple-lensed silver-rimmed oval glasses that i got for rikki, though.
Underwear. leopard print. taryn picked them out, and you probably wouldn't think it of me, but i really like those. *shrug* they're cotton though.
Shoes. my purple skechers boots that are now beyond repair. aah those were great shoes! they lasted so long! currently i'm favoring my blue skechers sneakers that i glittered myself with puffy paint. those were also done for rikki.
Handbag. not the one i've got now. i prefer messenger bags; i really liked the black vinyl one i got from afterthoughts, but it didn't last at all. (grr) this was also purple. are we sensing a trend? ^_~
Favourite top. it's a black v-neck girl-cut t-shirt with a white collar and white bands on the sleeves, from the buckle. i feel like i look really good in it. i also really like this kind of gothy-looking peasant top, black, with shirring that itches something awful on the sleeves and midriff, but i LOVE the sleeves. they're like flowing flower petals. i'd wear it more often if it didn't itch. >< my favorite tshirt is probably my plum-colored tori shirt from the 9-1/2 weeks tour (to venus and back).
Favourite pants. black pleather. unfortunately they've ripped. *sigh* favorite jeans would be the mudd jeans that i stole from my sister, unfortunately they have a big hole in the right knee now...
Cologne/perfume. i got cool water woman imitation for $4. i'm so cheap. i hardly wear it, though.
CD in stereo right now. umm, an mp3 cd of a bunch of stuff i took from ali. it's not playing, though. .... there, now it is. i need to make fangirls 2 and driving 4, and something with random american music.
Tattoos. none. i don't really want any, either.
Piercings. two in each ear. it was three, but the third hole in each was too close to the cartilage and it hurt to change the earrings. i've actually had my ears pierced four times, because the first time i pierced them i was in like third grade, and they closed up, and i re-did them sometime in high school. not wanting any more.
What you're wearing now. maria's jeans that are too small for her (and technically should be too big for me, blecch), they have pockets on the flares and little brown flower things on the edges. they're cute. and my death tshirt (you get what everyone gets. you get a lifetime.) and my grey sweatshirt, not necessarily because it's cold, but because it's comfortable. and mismatched socks because i should probably do laundry soon.
Hair. about an inch past shoulders with sparse bangs (thanks to my cowlick), straight, black, with thin brown highlights. if you've seen ff8 it looks like rinoa's. because i am a big, big cosplay dork. ^_^v
Makeup. none. usually i just wear lipgloss, which currently is lipsmackers in some kind of sparkly strawberry flavor. mmm good. ("strawberry kiss", indeed.) i'll wear more makeup for game or cosplay. or if i'm going somewhere special.
++ WHO or WHAT (was/is/are):
In your mouth. my tongue! haha! you've become conscious of your own tongue, haven't you? i know i have. it's creepy!! (this is chloe's fault.)
In your head. my brain! okay, really? recurring thoughts from last night's various conversations, and the constant reminder that sarah's got a someone right now whether she admits it or not. or she has the option to have a someone, which is far more than i have. and part of me wants to be mad, but i can't. ... and i'm listening to utada hikaru, 'hikari', from kingdom hearts ^^ so i guess that's in my head, too.
Wishing... that i didn't have to be so romantically lonely. that i could fall in love. that sarah would make up her mind. that ali, carly, and alex didn't have to be so far away.
After this? illo hwk. like nobody's business.
Talking to... sarah on im. i also have ims from eric and ali open, but eric's not said much, and ali's away.
Eating... nothing anymore
Fetishes. umm, well, i'm the 'necrophile'. anime boys. costumes. eyes.... purple.
If you could get away with it and murder anyone, who and for what reason? i ... i don't wish death on anybody. i really don't. i can't. no matter how mad i am.
Person you wish you could see right now. ali. and the guy i'm meant to be with.
Is next to you. several digimon plushies, and stitch.
Some of your favourite movies. moulin rouge, fight club, phenomenon, beauty and the beast
Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming months. awa! ^_^ and the birthdays of like most people i know, myself included.
The last thing you ate? a bowl of canned beef ravioli and a vanilla coke. ahh college.
Something that you are deathly afraid of? being alone. really, really, truly alone. being misunderstood. being depressed. um, as far as needless phobias ... well, needles. and ES. ... strangely, not death. not lately.
++ ET CETERA:
Do you like candles? yep. we've got an apple cinnamon one in the bathroom.
Do you like hot wax? *shrug*
Do you like incense? depends. some of it smells like church.
Do you like the taste of blood? .... um, yeah.
Do you believe in love? definitely. sometimes it's hard, though.
Do you believe in soulmates? i believe that everyone's destined for someone, but i don't know if that translates directly into 'soulmates'.
Do you believe in love at first sight? yes. and that's probably a problem. ^^;;
Do you believe in Heaven? yes.
Do you believe in forgiveness? yes.
Do you believe in God? i think so. in some form or another.
What do you want done with your body when you die? i have no idea.
Who is your worst enemy? myself.
If you could have any animal for a pet... a kitty. i think kitties are wonderful.
What is the latest you've ever stayed up? umm. probably afo3. i actually don't remember a huge chunk of that weekend, and i don't think i got much sleep.
Ever been to Belgium? no.
Can you eat with chopsticks? yep. i own several pairs. my favorite's light purple with a funky little whale and says "mate of the earth".
What's your favourite coin? i have a japanese 5-yen piece with a hole through the center. it's neat.
What are five cities you wouldn't mind relocating to? chicago, sedona, umm ... tokyo? if i learned japanese ... i don't know. boston? i haven't been many places.
What are some of your favourite pigout foods? ice cream.
What is something that you wish people would understand? love. empathy. forgiveness. friendship.
What's something you wish you could understand better? my own emotions, why i react the way i do ... other people's emotions, why they react the way they do ...
Anyone you miss that you haven't seen in a long time? ali. i guess. i saw her like a month ago, but she's so far ... my mom (weird, but true)
What's one thing you want to make happen for tomorrow? i want to get my illo hwk done and get a good critique. ^_^v
which is exactly what i have to go do now that i've slacked off enough .... ^^;;
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
| Time: | 7:32 am. |
| Mood: | exhausted and pissy. |
|
got back from perkins just now. i had a kind of spaz over whether or not to go, but i was hungry, and i REALLY need to get my butt in gear and get my illo hwk done, and hell, i need to *start* it, and if i go to work today, that's just not going to happen.
so lynn convinced me not to go to work. i feel awful. i feel like such a slacker. i was supposed to work.
but i don't like work. and i know that not every job is gonna be hellish retail for the rest of my life. and i do like my discount, even though i don't buy many books, i still get 20% at babbage's, which brought our ps2 down to like $120- 130. this made me happy. and if i work i get the money. i'm just so damn sick of going around every place going, "are you hiring?" and then filling out my life history. i do that so often. and b/n never really did me wrong; i just don't like retail. i come back all grumpy and hurting - my back hurts, my feet hurt, my head hurts, etc. it just sucks. and i'm starting to question if it's really worth it. i just quit all the time. i don't know if i've ever held a job longer than six months; most don't last me more than four. i've been at b/n since june now (or was it july, i have no idea). i told them i was going to stay through the fall. i love having the extra cash. i don't feel as guilty spending my grocery/supply money then. i can actually afford things like cons and (better) costumes and the pretty ps2.
*sigh* i guess i'm not just skipping because i'm a slacker; i'm skipping out for the exact opposite. i need to do my illo hwk, and while i don't forsee it taking all day long - it's already 7am, which means i'm going to be sleeping for a while, and sleep is something i desperately need. it's so hard to actually *sleep* when i have to work on the weekends. it was one thing when i needed to work to pay for food and rent and stuff, but now i really don't, and work just supports my fannish habits. that's really all it's there for. lynn whores the furpron, and while that's not exactly my thing, it's also not retail at *all*. i can draw. i know i can draw. and if i could spend all the time i spend at work making costumes and drawing and stuff, then i'd be getting experience out of it, and i'd be doing what i love to do on top of it. summer was a desperate time. i'm no longer desperate. screw what my parents say about 'preparing for the real world' - i'm going into a completely different world than they have. i don't usually disrespect their advice like this, whether it's because i'm just a good girl or because i know they've been there and they're probably right; but in all honesty they *haven't* been here, and they haven't been to the 'real world' that i'm headed for. neither of them have a college degree. they don't know what it's like here - sometimes i think my dad is convinced i go to keggers and pass out drunk every weekend. honestly - i'm a geek. if i'm up til 7 it's because i'm larping or talking geek with my geek friends or playing videogames for crying out loud.
so that's my big huge justification for not going to work, and if they want to fire me, then hell, they can fire me. it's less my fault that way. i wish to be released from the burden of retail. maybe if my grades come in and i'm doing miserably they'll see that i can't juggle work and school. if i couldn't keep up with just plain school before, what makes them think i can juggle? *sigh* "you've got to work," my dad says. "you've got the rest of your life to work," my uncle says. damn if i'm going to listen to my dad. maybe i am just a lazy bum.
in other news, i skipped out on the apartment, and spent several good hours upstairs at the neo-cove talking with lynn. she's such a good kid. she misses her alex so very much, and it's so apparent when she talks. and she loves him so, so much. unfortunately, that doesn't really help *my* situation very much, because i'm still lonely.
it's a different kind of lonely. it's weird - i never really *stopped* being lonely, but the lonely just sort of shifted on me. i don't want perfect. i want just right - for me. i want conversations, i want to click, i want to find this wonderful person to share things with. and i don't necessarily want *tsuzuki*. i want someone *like* him. as in - this character is an excellent example of someone that i'd want to fall in love with. someone that caring and compassionate and all those other words that i can't think of right now because it is indeed past 7am and the sun's coming up outside my window.
*sigh* i need to sleep.
i don't know. maybe there isn't anything i can do right now. i wish there was; i wish so, so much that there was. and i'm starting to feel like all i can do is just trust in fate right now.
i still don't think this thing with sarah was fair; and i'm a little perturbed about 'drive me here, drive me there' etc. because he couldnt find the place, or whatever. and it's so strange. i'm entirely prepared to dislike him, when he hasnt' really done anything; i'm just extraordinarily pissed at this entire situation. just having someone who is interested in me is not enough, and i don't know if sarah quite understands that. i complain that i felt unlovable, and she points out that there are people who find me quite attractive. that's great, that's wonderful. but it doesn't do me an iota of good if the feeling isn't reciprocated, which, in most cases, it's not. (otherwise it would have happened by now, you see?) it's not "well that doesn't count" - but in a way it still is.
not much i can do about *that*, either. oh well. nevermind my upset-ness tonight about the whole thing, but she can't just abandon her friend who drove however long he drove in order to get here tonight. i don't even know if he's still here. he might be sleeping here. if he is, he's not on the couch. he'd be in her room if he's anywhere - not saying he is, but *if* he is, because i don't know, because i don't check for these things. and i know that sarah will find some way to explain herself and explain the situation to me, and i'll find it impossible to remain mad, which i guess is a good thing, but she tends to do it in a way that guilts me into feeling somehow *not* mad, which isn't the same thing as feeling better. and i hate that. i'd so much rather just be better.
but i'm caught in a grey area with this, because i'm really really mad about this (why? i have no idea. which isn't good either, but i can't pinpoint any one reason right now) but i don't want her to put aside her own happiness for my sake - which she'll do in a heartbeat because she's like that. and that just pisses me off even more. i'd rather see her happy, like i said, and if that means hanging out with this guy (friend or whatever he is to her) then that's what it means. i'll find my way around it. i had a great time with lynn and eric and danet tonight. relatively speaking. it was better than being pissy here and possibly interfering. sarah needs happiness. she closes herself up too much. she retreats to her room and she doesn't seem to *want* to come out. she needs more human contact. i don't know if she realizes this. i realize i'm not much better. but she needs to do more than *work* all the time. because that's all it seems she does. and i worry. she downplays romance as though it's less important. i don't know, maybe i up play it too much. whatever. what the hell. she just doesn't seem happy to me. regardless of what she says. but i don't want to make her feel bad about having other friends. or having whatever it is that she's got.
i'd rather see her dating someone and being happy, than turning it down for my sake. one person is not worth sacrificing true love. you have lots of friends, but you never know if that one guy could be *the* one.
it just sucks that i don't even get a CHANCE.
|
|
Comments: Add Your Own.
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=92.3){kind=small}
prophesygirl's journal
calm.
pissed off.
busy.
hyper.
artistic.
